And the tobacco replies, “I am you.”
//The story you read below is my experience of partaking in a tobacco ceremony, led and guided by a shaman. I did this in Mexico City in December 2020//
The shaman places the liquid tobacco in my hand, he tells me to sit with it. Communicate with it how I would like it to help me.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I can feel the warmth from the cup, the energy emanating from the tobacco slowing acquainting itself with mine.
I begin to think of all the things I want to release with this sacred ceremony- making myself small, doubt, and most of all…shame. I squeeze the cup a little tighter, not knowing if the tobacco can help me carry all of it out of me. After some time of asking what I want help with, I realized I hadn’t inquired anything about tobacco. I open my eyes and say,
“𝘌𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶?”
And the tobacco replies, “𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶.”
And that’s when I knew, I was exactly where I needed to be. I then drank the cup the tobacco and surrendered to its healing. Yes, it tastes exactly how you would imagine- an ashtray.
The shaman then guides me in drinking lots of water that will then help me throw up and release the tobacco. I would drink a whole pitcher of water and then throw it all up. I fasted the day before, my vessel was already in a place before this. My release rhythm would go like this… drink the water, let it sit, feel the tobacco doing it’s work inside me, cry many tears, and then throw it all up very aggressively. I did this about 7 times.
It may have looked from an outsider, to be only the shaman and me. However, there were two clear presences from the moment I started drinking the tobacco. My father and the hand of my higher self. My father’s hand was on one of my shoulders and my hand of my higher self on the other. I was in full support.
This was the first time I had felt the energy of my father in such a visceral way. A large part in why I was drawn to this ceremony was because I was ready to release the darkness I’ve held onto relating to him. So as any good man does, he shows up for his funeral. He was already dead, mind you. This funeral was intentional, death of the idea that we can only accept parts of ourselves and not the whole. After my father died in this realm, I was never able to forgive him fully for all parts of him.
It then dawned on me while laying on the ground after I had purged the tobacco for about 45 min, body weak, vision blurry, mind floating, heart at ease.
𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺.
I was ready to release the shame I’ve carried for the past 10 years regarding my father. The last time I saw him, he was in a place of deep shame having felt like he had to conceal an affair he was having for most of my life at that point. I would imagine he was carrying shame for other things as well. My father was ready for me to leave that baggage behind me. It was never mine to begin with.
A few months before this, I had a dream about my father and me. We were on a ferry on the ocean traveling to unknown places. The ferry stopped and we were to leave and board another ferry for the next part of our travels. I had baggage I had brought with me and grabbed one of my bags so we could leave and depart the ferry. I soon realized one of my bags was missing. I started to look through all the bags and luggage on the ferry. I couldn’t find it. What would I do without all my belongings? Once we were off the ferry, my father then revealed that he had hidden my baggage.
As if to say, you don’t need to carry this anymore. This dream stuck with me up until the tobacco ceremony.
I do not want to carry this bag of shame anymore, I thought as I lay weak on the mat after throwing up. I want to release this. And my body continued to do so. Tobacco makes the body extremely sensitive. I started to shake, even though I was surrounded by the warm air of Mexico City. I wanted to calm myself, if it was possible, so I started to lengthen my breath. Not able to get my breath in a calmer cadence, the spirit of a dear friend named Patrick quickly appeared by my side. Patrick is a facilitator for integral breathwork. I had a powerful session with him this past year.
His spirit sat next to me and guided me in breathwork. It was such a lovely surprise and a much-appreciated appearance by him! Our then mutual friend, Dean, also appeared and started to cheer me on in my process. I felt so held and supported in that moment, specifically by strong masculine energies in my life.
After some time of laying on the mat and allowing my body to rest after purging the shaman returns by my side to take me to the next part of the ceremony.
A tub of cold water.
I am not a fan of cold, however, this tub was quite beautiful. The shaman had added fresh flowers and herbs to it. As much as I knew how uncomfortable it would be, at least I would be surrounded by nature’s beauty.
Going into the cold water helps to bring the body back down to earth. Once I got in, the shaking became very pronounced. My legs were dancing it seemed! I knew I had to surrender to this and allow my body to release the energy within. I stayed in for about 5–7 minutes.
The shaman then took me into his healing hut/dome and had me lay on the table so he could do his energy healing work. By this time, I was excited to be warmer and to lay down in more comfort.
The shaman then performed acupressure and energy healing over my vessel. My body was still shaking however it started to become more subtle. Once the shaman was finished he exited the hut and allowed me to rest and integrate.
When he left, my father's presence appeared strongly next to me on the table. He grabbed my hand. I looked over at him.
“I forgive all parts of you,” I said within my heart to him.
Tears started to flood down my face. I’ve felt that since his death, I had forgiven him. It wasn’t true. There were still things I was resentful towards and harboring. It was in this moment I acknowledged that and allowed myself to release. My brother then appeared briefly as well for this monumental moment to offer his love and support.
Immediately after this energetic release, a song started to play from the shaman’s music. The lyrics to the chorus: We accept all parts of you here.
Of course.
I laid on the table in some sort of off-white bliss. I felt crisp and fluid at the same time. I had left my baggage on the ferry.
Thank you for reading! This ceremony is not for everyone. Do your research and practice discernment. Overall, I am grateful to have felt very protected and guided throughout the process. We all find healing in different ways. I encourage you to keep being curious about what that looks like for you.
Blessings*~
